Chagrin Topaz Sparkles
by Iplaythefrenchhornlovetwilight
Summary: Poking fun at Twilight. Inspired by cracked dot com article. I'm still a fan of it, but I'm sick of fans denying any writing, plot, and morale errors. True fans call it like it is. Rated M for future cursing because its funny. xD
1. Chapter 1: the first chapter

**A/N: This parody was inspired by the cracked (dot) com article poking fun at Twilight. I intend to do the same here. Don't get me wrong, for many years I loved Twilight. What kills me about major teen-sensations is blind acceptance. People refuse to admit that there is anything wrong with their obsession and shun parodies. Frankly, I find that really annoying. Luckily, I'm not "obsessed" in the way twi-hards use the word. I'm just poking fun in what grammatical and story errors I have read in the series. Don't expect great writing style here, in fact, I avoided it at all costs.**

**Chagrin Topaz Sparkles**

I woke up for the one-billionth time next to my sexy, Adonis, glittering, god-like fiancée, Edward. And did I mention he's a vampire? Well I shouldn't have to because he has sexy topaz eyes that melt like butterscotch and probably taste like that too. OBVIOUSLY, he has to be a vampire. Because real vampires sparkle. Not like those icky ones that burn and don't have butterscotch (yummmm… butterscotch) eyes. Anyways, he turned over to look in my chocolate depths in order to convey how much he loved me even though he doesn't want to have sex. I'd take sexually repressive eye-fucking over the real thing any day because I'm just awesome like that.

My oblivious dad, Charlie had left to go fishing for the day, so Eddiekins carried me on his back to our meadow. I didn't get sick anymore because he was sooooo perfect that his running was flawless and it didn't jar me the slightest.

"OMIGOSH! IT'S A UNICORN" I screamed. Just as I noticed that, my sexy, marble, Adonis topaz vampire jumped and started drinking it. But that's ok because he drinks blood and one day I want to drink blood and become a vampire and have shimmering topaz eyes and glitter in the sun and have lots of rough vampire sex…

"Bella… you're doing it again," Edward whispered in a sexy smooth dazzling musical voice. Oh I'd gone off on a brain tangent again and completely lost track of time. Charlie should wonder were I've been but that's ok because he's obviously fine with the fact that I'm getting married to someone who dumped me on my ass and only came back after…

"BELLA" he yelled again. I blushed in chagrin. Hmmmm chagrin, what a wonderful word. I wonder how many times someone could use it in a novel and not be burnt at the stake. We rode back to Charlie's house in his shiny Volvo because vampires have to ride shiny cars. I always wondered why a bilionare would buy a Volvo. Wait… didn't we run here? Oh well, Alice must have been spying on us again. But that's ok. Apparently having no privacy and an overprotective, control freak fiancée is normal.

We arrived at my house 2.455 seconds later after (much to my chagrin) successfully running over 3 cats, 4 people, and 5 more unicorns. Luckily, there is only one police officer in Forks and he was currently burning the house down in an attempt to boil water for pasta. I looked into my sexy fiancee's burning topaz eyes and laughed.

"What's so funny, my clumsy beauty?" he asked

"Butterscotch chagrin" I responded.

"You know, sometimes I'm estatic that I cant read your mind…"

Of course I couldn't really hear him. I was too distracted by his rock-hard Adonis abs. So distracted, in fact, that I tripped and pushed Charlie into the gas burning, successfully setting him and then the house on fire. I blushed in chagrin… again… and Edward whisked me outside with his super-awesome vampire speed. He gave me a look that mad my stomach full-full of ladybugs. Or was it butterflies, or butterscotch topaz?

"You know what, I can do so much better than you, I'm freaking Edward Cullen!" And with that, he left at vampire speed. I somehow ended up back in the middle of the forest, and passed out due to the misery of not being able to see the glittering topaz eyes and rock hard abs of my super sexy Adonis boyfriend.

The End?

**A/N: So FYI, I'm poking fun at the series. Of course, for a long time I loved the Twilight series. In my opinion, true fans can point out flaws in the series. If we all blindly accepted whatever is thrown at us, then we look dumb. Everything has room for improvement and I may be the first fan to point out that some of the aspects of the book are a little iffy. Review if you want me to continue with the parody.**


	2. Bella Buys a Thesaurus

**AN: Chapter two. Sorry to anyone who is offended but its just a book series so get over it. A particularly addictive one I'll admit, but it is just a book series. Oh and this is the chapter where Bella learns a few big words.**

Chapter 2: Bella Discovers a Thesaurus.

So, I'm all catatonic and phlegmatic and stuff because my cherished eddiekins vampire boyfriend with sparkling topaz eyes and Adonis-abs abandoned me… again. So now I'm all depressed and stuff because I'll never blush in chagrin and stuff and Edward took all the unicorns with him. Ohhh Noooooooo! I thought of Eddie's name! My braaaain is melting! Uh whoa, that was weird. I blushed in chagrin for my overacting.

I pulled out the most incomparable book of all time, _Wuthering Heights. _Pride and Prejudice used to be my favorite book but Darcy admonishes me too much of… "holy shit! I totally get it now! Meyer was using Darcy as Edward and me as Elizabeth! But I'm totally not stubborn like her though…"

At that moment, charlie came in, sparkling and blushing in chagrin. Oh wait, Charlie doesn't sparkle… wait whaaaaaaaaa

"Bella, you are thinking out loud again."

Oh, oops. I blushed in Chagrin and Charlie smiled. Did I tell you I have a smile fetish? Well, I totally do.That's why I never fell for Jacob more than Eddiekins. Because he totally can't smile crooked. And he doesn't sparkle. sparkling is a must. Wasn't I talking about smiles? ANYWAYS…

But Edward still doesn't love me anymore so I went back to sleep with sparkling topaz teardrops cascading out of my chocolaty eyeballs/orbs/ depths **(AN: whatever other freaking words can be replaced for eyes.) **

I was totes magotes awoken late by a deafening tapping at my windowsill. OMG IT'S ANOTHER UNICORN! Oh wait, it's just Jacob again. "I've come to be your rebound!" He shouted with the utmost glee that I had to forget about ol' Eddieward and take Jacob back. Without waiting for an answer, Jacob barreled through the window (demolishing all of the glass) and landed on my bed.

Charlie rushed upstairs and opened the door, He noticed all the broken glass and some random dude on my bed in only his underwear. Oh right, it was Jake. We all blushed in chagrin until our faces burst- with chagrin.

"It's ok dad, Jake and I were just about to have explicit, unprotected sex because I'm rebounding off of my loss of Edward."

"Charlie just smiled and said "well as long as it's unprotected." He shut the door behind him and trotted of to bed. Yes, he really did trot. Because he is a horse and I wasn't sitting with a thesaurus on my desk.

At that exact moment, Edward came through my open window. "WTFs Bella! I was gone hunting for two days and you're already in bed with the mutt?"

I blushed in chagrin "I thought you left for good."

"I told you, because it's sunny out I accompanied my family on a hunting trip…"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOh my B!" "Orgy Porgy?"

"No, Bella. And stop reading _Brave New World_. Besides, you know the only person who I'd make a threesome with is Tanya. She's sooooooooooooo hot!"

"Well this is awkward, bye Jake, your services aren't needed anymore today." Jake rolled his eyes and jumped back out my open window. The glass had magically fixed itself. Cool.

"You still love me, right, sexy Adonis, topaz, sparkling, vampire fiancée?"

"I guess soo… but it's going to take a lot of makeup eye-fucking to fix this!"

**AN: Ooo trouble in paradise. There you have it, chapter two of my parody. For anyone who stuck along this far, 3 thanks! Will continue to write if I get 3 more reviews. Yay! Haters and lovers welcome. Remember, we all love Twilight. It's just fun to parody ;) **


	3. A Plethora of Adjectives!

AN: As you will soon figure out, the theme in this chapter is over description. I mean... a lot of over description. You may never look at adjectives the same way again! And you know those fics that you read that make you want to shove a grammar book down somebody's throat, yah, I parody that too. Remember, this is all for fun. If you are offended, then you probably haven't read this far in yet xD.

Chapter 3: Vampires, Sex, and Rainbows

So, today... I was pondering why my sparkling Adonis Eddiekins refused to have sex with me. I mean technically... he could squash me like a bug and has the self esteem of a pimply pre-teen, but I think it's good that I try to chip away from his self esteem. It builds character. Not to mention, it helped build our relationship and made our relationship sooooooooo much stronger.

"Right, Edward?" I asked.

"Uhhhh what? Sorry I was contemplating how perfect you were even though you are trying to peer pressure me in to having sex when I'm clearly not ready" He blushed in Chagrin. Holy tamales! A vampire brushed... or maybe its the crack. I like unicorns...

"Hey Bella, I think your brain is speaking to me! I can see into your mind"

"Omigosh! Are there unicorns? ooooooo look at my hand! It's changing colorsssssss!"

"Goshies Bellawella, get off the drugs and join me in my epiphany! I can read you mind and will find out all of your deepest darkest secrets... Bella get off the drugs!"

When the symptoms finally wore off, I found myself staring at Edward's adonis abs. He smirked a crookedy grin that went aaaaall the way off his face. Vampires have funny smiles. I sat down in the grass. It didnt really occur to me how I could have gotten here, but living with sparkly vampires has always been unpredictable.

In that moment, the sun decided to shine. "It's a rainboooow. A double rainbow all the way across the skyyyy." Tears started cascading down my chocolatey sunday orbs at the site. It was so beautiful that i blushed in a whole mess of chagrin. The rainbow seemed to find its way onto Edward's skin and he was as dazzling as a dazzling real vampire that sparkled in the sun... I reeeallly want to be a vampire and sparkle tooo.

"Bella, what are you thinking..." Edward asked, concern marring his perfect sculpted marble statuesque vampire features. I keep running out of words to desribe how utterly awesome my awesome vampire boyfriend is. Or my fiancee... oh ueah, Edwardio was talkng to me. I blushed in chagrin again because I was just sooooooooo embarrased! It was like kissing Jacon alllll over again! But that was ok because I felt so bad about it and I cried about Jacob's hot puppy lips all night and made Eddikin's life a living hell. /but Edward forgave me because honestly, he knows that we are perfect foreeeeever!

"Oh sorry, my lovey dovey bird!"

*FACE PALM* "Please don't call me that again or this time I will swallow your blood with my non-fanged super vampire teeth!" I felt sooo bad after that that I had to blush in chagrin. He always forgave mr after he saw my chagrined blush!

"I thought you could read my mind now? Or was that part of the drugs? Anywaaaays, how can I force you into having explicit sparkling vampire whoopee with me?" His gorgeous angellic features twisted into a grimace- a grimace filled with agony. I decided that as the man in this relationship, that I should speak my mind and continue...

"I mean, I could even stick you in a furnace so you warm up and stuff!" *EPIC EYE ROLL*

"Bella, just go to bed before I sedate you with more crack."

That's weird, I don't remember being in my room. That brought up a very strong memory in me.

"Hey, what happened to Charlie?" I asked, astonishment leaking into my voice.

"He's dead, remember? Your klutzy ass tripped and pushed him into the fire before I left to hunt, and then you made out with Jacob, remember?"

"but I thought that he came and checked on me!" I blushed in chagrin again on a count of my badd memory!

"No, Bella, you were imagining random stuff, as per usual." I blushed in chagrin again.

"Ok, my dazzling princess, lutzy mate, time for bed!" His soothing soft velvety voice sang me a sexy sultry lullaby that sounded a lot like that one song from kiss that mentioned sex... I drifted off in my Adonis's cold hard but somehow comfortable stone arms.

AN: Sorry, no sex yet. But I'm tired right now and decided that relationship and grammar issues were fun to cover when my mind is groggy from school. I hope you enjoyed this and got a few good laughs. I will continue to write this if I can get a few more reviews! I'm still a twilight fan, which is why I know what and where to make fun of stuff. Yay!


End file.
